• 22May 13

  The Hottest New Gaming Console! EXCLUSIVE!

  READER APPRECIATION STUFF:

  First off, let me say I appreciate you all giving me feedback on the Chinese Knock-Off Gaming blog. I considered making it into an editorial series and plan to do another one some time in the future! So yup, I greenlighted myself or something. But seriously, thank you for your feedback, regardless if you liked it or not (or just thought it was okay). Anywho, on to the next subject:

  EXCLUSIVE: HOT NEW SEXY GAMING ACTION!

  Ever since the dawn of humans, there has been a drive to innovate, dominate and consummate. However, people have had trouble combining all three without the use of questionable substances and flexible ethics, trying once in the 1960s with the practice of "free love," and once again in the 1980s with the widespread trend of "fresh powder" and something called "synthesizers." Lately, though, there has been a severe lack of sexily-dominant innovation. Gone are the days of "good vibrations," "pet rocks," and "quotation marks." How will anyone innovate? How will anyone dominate? How will anyone sexy?

  Today is the day everything changes! TODAY is the day where folks will be able to combine their need for the new, the ultimate and the sexually attractive!

  TODAY, I present you with:

  

  Some crap from the 90's that not a lot of people outside Japan owned!

  
  Yes, gamers today are striving for something new, something hot, something they want to make sweet, sensual love to. Well too bad, get sad; the new generation of consoles are more interested in having relations with your pocketbook than your pretty little mass of gray matter! However, there's plenty of innovative sexy dominance to be had with the amazing Some crap from the 90's that not a lot of people outside Japan owned:

  First and foremost, gaze upon those hunks of corded plastic at the bottom of the image: these newold devices called "wired controllers" allow the player to hold something in their hand that manipulates the image on-screen and, most impressive of all, there are absolutely no batteries or recharges required! The old-school design allows players to believe they're playing an old, outdated console because THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOU STUPID IDIOT! Get ready for the future yesterday with the ability to control poorly-rendered 3D characters on your spankin'-new CRT! As any gamer worth their weight in cartridges knows, though, controllers are not everything. There's also menus!

  Tired of menus? Tired of having to start the system up, select the game tab, then select the game to play the game inside the thing that plays your games so you can play a game? With the all-old SCFT90TNALOPOJO, all you have to do is use your finger or equivalent appendage on the seductive "power button" and you'll get a little swishy animation, followed by the game thing you put in!

  (game things you put in sold separately on e-bay for high prices)

  But gamers, true gamers, I'm talking about the kind of people who would honestly find it completely awesome to actually be a game, want more than a controller that's not going to run out of battery power when the ******* boss has just one-half a bar of health left after you've spent all ******* day just trying, I mean REALLY trying, to get it so you can 100% the game and be done with it (****); and a start-up screen immediately followed by the game. Yes, true gamers want that thing you put in there that has the game in it!

  GAME COPIES!

  Oh heck yeah, you know you want a game copy. With this piece of 90's dinosaur crap, you will be able to take a disc and play it RIGHT AWAY! That's right, no installs, no patches (even though sometimes you wish there was one)! SCREW THAT NOISE, you want to just start playing video games so you have a good excuse to snack on junk food! Boy oh boy, does this thing have games, too:

  You want a Japanese dating sim where you're hitting on Japanese high school girls like a creepy old man minus the creepiness of hitting on real Japanese high school girls? YOU GOT IT!

  You want a poorly-rendered adventure game with voice acting done by people who you suspect have severe speech imp-imped-problems and/or brain injuries? COMIN' RIGHT UP!

  You want a side-scrolling shooter where you play as a mess of blobs shooting at giant husks of corn while wacky music plays? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BUT YEAH WE GOT IT!
  

  You want it, you silly person
  

  Social networking is also something that exists but who cares, you just want to share these wonderful games with someone! Your buddy wants a game copy, too. However, your buddy is far too poor and jobless and moochy and probably is stealing from your wallet when you're not looking to afford the cool games. How do you solve this problem? Easy, you lend him the game and he can play it! That's right, you don't have to have them pay a fee or break their legs for stealing $20 from your stash (the latter is recommended, though), you just have to give them the game and it plays! JUST LIKE A REAL GAME!

  With all these dominant sexy innovations, the old hunk of Japanese plastic from the 90's is by far the biggest bang for your buck. For only about $40-50 used at some used game store or online retailer, you will be able to enjoy all the obscure games of yesterday, today!

  I look forward to you enjoying old stuff and complaining about the graphics!

  • Posted May 22, 2013 10:54 am GMT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 4Apr 13

  Chinese Knock-Off Gaming: Pikachu Y2K

  Gaming has evolved quite a bit over the years, hasn't it? Big franchises have popped up like fleas on a mangy junkyard mutt and, like fleas, there are some black sheep (or black fleas, whatever I dunno) in the family that are considered completely foreign from their family. Case in point: Chinese knock-off games.

  Chinese knock-offs span every category of product, so it's probably not going to shock you that games are not exempt from its scope. However, what's really shocking is what kind of bizarre, crappy, and sometimes even cool games you can find on the Chinese knock-off market. The first in this series of spotlights is a fun little platformer called Pikachu Y2K:

  

  Pikachu Y2K is, in all essence, a classic Mario-styIe platformer starring the titular electric pocket monster mouse thing. Going by the aforementioned description, you'd think that this all would be a fun, neat little game that, in essence, would give you a generic experience. HA, joke's on you: this game is nuttier than squirrel feces.

  First off, Pikachu Y2K doesn't immediately drop you into the action. To start off with, you're given a short cutscene in which a mad scientist and his pet cat phone Pikachu at his home because they want a magic purse back. Oh, by the way: did I mention that the text says that Pikachu's real name is Felix?

  

  So, er, I guess Pikachu will now be referred to as "Felix?"

  After promptly hanging up and using the force to reel in his magical purse, Felixchu sets out on an adventure to...erm...not try to let the mad scientist guy get the bag from him? Honestly, he could have just stayed home and called the cops on him, leading to an arrest and avoiding all the ensuing nonsense but hey, I'm talking about a Chinese knock-off 8-bit platformer so why should I be caring so much?

  Anywho, Pikachu Y2K's gameplay is pretty standard platforming fare, ridiculous premise aside. Sadly, it's a little sub-par for a side-scrolling platformer since its rules aren't very in line with Mario, as you can die from jumping on enemies. With stomping on their heads out of the equation, how can Felix-the-Pikachu deter people from snatching his purse?

  The purse, of course!

  Yes, instead of jumping on enemies, PikaFelix disposes of his foes via a Tom and Jerry-styIe boxing glove that pops out from his bag of wonders.

  

  The animation doesn't include the bag, though...

   Given all this, the game seems pretty disappointing, right? Well, what makes Pikachu Y2K a little bit cooler is the ability to collect power-ups that transform the bag into various weapons such as singing, driving a car, riding an air balloon, and even driving a freaking tank.

  

  Also, it shoots bombs with faces.

  Take a moment to soak all this in: there's Felixchu in that image up there driving a tank in a happy pixelated 8-bit world. Yes, there exists a game where you can actually play as Pikachu driving a tank. Why hasn't anyone thought of this before? Seriously, the war game market is virtually untapped for the entire Pokemon franchise and here you have the Chinese knock-off market taking the initiative while Nintendo sits on their duffs, scratches their heads, and puts out a Gamecube game consisting entirely of watching fake television shows with Pikachu all day. Y'know, because we really need something like THAT on the market, while the idea of Tankemon goes completely over their heads. In a way, this instantly makes Pikachu Y2K better than a good deal of the franchise's official games from recent years.

  Aside from the brilliant idea of putting Pikachu in a freaking tank, the rest of the game, like I said before, is pretty generic. The regular enemies aren't even other Pokemon, just some stupid little bird sprites and regular fishes...though there are a few walking trees here and there for no real reason. Ents aside, there isn't really that much to talk about in terms of enemy design and, on that note, there isn't much to say about the level layout. Really, the only thing on showcase here is how bizarre the overall premise of the game is and, beyond that, it's a sub-par platformer.

  One last thing, though: the Game Over screen kind of bugs me:

  

  ...What's in that garbage can to the left? Seriously, can anyone give me an idea? I don't have one.

  VERDICT:

  Graphics: 8 - Pretty decent representation of Pikachu. Besides, the entire thing's running on an NES, so I'm not that picky.

  Sound: 6 - There's a fun little tune in the first level, then it repeats in the second, the third, fourth....yeah.

  Gameplay: 6 - It's functional, but there's no pizzazz beyond the power-ups.

  Story: 10 - PIKACHU IN A FREAKING MAGIC PURSE TANK!

  Overall: 7 - It's worth checking out for about an hour, but not farther beyond that.

  So that's all for Pikachu Y2K! Be sure to stay tuned for more showcased Chinese knock-off games!

  (also, please someone tell me what's in that garbage can)

  • Posted Apr 4, 2013 1:56 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 21Dec 12

  Kindergarten Killer - A Review

  NOTE: TO CALL THE SHOOTING A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT, AND I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF IT. ONE-THIRD OF THIS IS TO MAKE FUN OF THE NRA'S STATEMENT TODAY, ANOTHER THIRD IS TO EMPHASIZE HOW DUMB THE GAME ITSELF IS AND THE LAST THIRD IS TO KIND OF SERIOUSLY REVIEW THE GAME. IF YOU'RE OFFENDED, PLEASE READ THIS NOTE AGAIN UNTIL YOU ARE NOT.

  Lately, there has been a great deal of controversy surrounding the industry of gunsmoke-promoting murder-death that is video games, a point brought out by the friendly people at the NRA. However, in citing specific games that caused the shooter to murder innocent children and shoot fireballs at people, one was listed that I (and I assume many others) have never heard of before: Kindergarten Killer.

  

  Kindergarten Killer is a flash game made by ZSOA, in which the player takes the role of a janitor who is given the task of cleaning up a kindergarten filled to the brim with armed tykes. The following is a basic description provided by the developer:

  Kindergarten Killer is a fighting game in which you play as a janitor to clear as many stages as you can. At first you can choose your levels with different health numbers. Click on the start button you will see many kids appearing from different places and the kids will come out more and more as you go further into their base. Aim with the mouse and shoot with the left mouse button. Shoot the kids quickly before they shoot you. Your health goes down if you get shot. You will get health bonuses after each level. With the stages you clear, you will meet the big boss, and shoot him at his head to go to the next stage. And you will meet not only kids but also policeman as your enemy. Look out for health boxes like a key with a plus sign on it, if you shoot them they will give you +20 plus. - ZSOA

  As appealing as shooter games are nowadays, can something like Kindergarten Killer stand on its own as a successful IP in a sea of similar shooters like Call of Duty and Super Mario Sunshine? Most would likely agree that such an original concept would draw in both storied veterans of the genre as well as fresh faces but, as Kindergarten Killer proves, an original concept can be squandered by poor gameplay.

  The story of Kindergarten Killer puts the player in the shoes of a white-haired (and seemingly senile) janitor who, bored with the constant trifles of cleaning up vomit and smelling the acrid stench of poorly-cooked meatloaf, decides to take matters into his own hands and cleanse a surprisingly well-armed school of its myriad gun-toting toddlers. Considering all the characters involved, I would have expected the story to further develop from its introduction but, as with many modern shooters, the story falls to the wayside almost immediately in order to single-mindedly focus on the action, which is quite a shame considering how many questions the initial setting leaves for players: Who is this guy really? Why do the kids all have guns? Why do some of them have aviator sunglasses and never need to reload? Sadly, none of the aforementioned inquiries are given any time as the game delves straight into its worst aspect: gameplay.

  Considering the game in question is a simple flash affair, the gameplay and graphics are nothing special to speak of. In fact, the two aforementioned aspects are so minuscule and lackluster that nothing interesting can truly be said about it. Essentially, Kindergarten Killer takes the point-and-click, on-rails approach to shooters, an archaic concept that, beyond Killer7, has never been utilized in a positive way since the early 90s. Every single area in the game is the same boorish, plain hallway with maybe a staircase placed in the background to spice things up (albeit in the most minimal way possible) and the way in which you move around the map is nonsensical, sometimes going into a building and then exiting it after one floor...only to exit it, go in again, and go to the next floor. Clearly, the developer wanted to convey that the main character had Alzheimer's but, due to the lack of substantial narrative, this conclusion only came about by way of speculation. In fact, the children themselves seemed to have interesting backstories but the game never really considers telling the player.

  The children, though not varied immensely in design, do have some interesting habits of pointing guns at the player while wearing sunglasses and, somehow, are only able to die in a single way no matter where they are hit (the only variant being what they look like relating to how they die). Every single one of the children are quick shooters, giving the player no time to breathe which, by the way, adds greatly to the overall difficulty of the experience. However, I would have liked to know how this was possible? There was a prime opportunity for some exposition (perhaps between levels?) but no such effort was made, giving the player only more room to guess as to what was really going on. Lastly, as said before, the difficulty of the game is something that detracts quite a bit from the overall quality.

  Though probably designed as a challenge game, Kindergarten Killer is very difficult to play when you only use a laptop mouse and can't really figure out the controls that well because of it. I will admit that I started out on the Easy difficulty, but even then the game was incredibly difficult to play, even during the first level. Indeed, the difficulty is something that will vary the mileage you will have with this particular title.

  Overall, Kindergarten Killer, though being a prime example of how big-budget game studios are funding poorly-designed flash game development, is...well actually, it really is an unenjoyable game. I would not recommend it to anyone looking for a good time and, instead, would point to more interesting examples such as Kitten Cannon.

  SCORE BREAKDOWN

  Graphics: F - Nothing but doodles everywhere.

  Sound: F - No interesting music to speak of and the sound effects are all the same.

  Gameplay: D - Though the controls are easy to figure out, the experience is too repetitive to warrant a decent grade.

  Fun: D - Its approach as a concept game adds some intrigue, but not past one try.

  Overall: D-

  Kindergarten Killer is a game that, despite wanting to show how evil a game can be, is nothing more than a gallery shooter with a fingerpaint coat.

  • Posted Dec 21, 2012 3:24 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
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