I wasn't always in Kerala. I lived in Dubai for 13 years.

13 very bittersweet years.

As a kid, I was always bullied by people. You know, those 6 year old guys who were stupid, ugly and shaved? I never instigated, but somehow I'd end up being a punching bag. To make matters worse, things weren't all that great at home either. My father is a chronic alcoholic, wife beater and he abused my siblings and I verbally and physically almost daily. I still remember the "present" he gave me on my 7th birthday - he beat me to a pulp.

If you think it couldn't get any worse for me, you should think again. This next one is like pouring salt into an open wound. It was a place I hated..no, abhorred - a place I had to go to 5 days a week.

School.



I studied in a boys only school where there were a lot of teachers that had MAJOR issues. They were so messed up that they'd beat us students. Let's look at a list of some the casualties I suffered back in 1st Grade :

Beaten with a 300 page arabic text book over the head? Check.
Whacked so hard in the chest that the wind was literally knocked out of me? Check.
Smashed left and right for being absent and for not knowing I had to produce a leave letter? Check.
Had my ear nearly wrung off for continuing to write with my left hand? Check.
Slapped on my birthday for not answering a question correctly? Check.
Beaten with a thick, steel ruler for talking? Check.
Hit so hard in the face that my lip broke? Check.
Told I was a bastard because I didn't stand "properly" in line? Check.

My classmates suffered similar fates too. The tears we cried, the scars we bore, the pain we endured - none of it were enough to convince these tyrants to leave us alone. Parents weren't happy and regularly came to school to yell at those teachers to leave their kids be. We'd have peace on such days but towards the end of the week, the teachers would regress to their old ways of beating the living daylights out of us.



The rules back then in Dubai weren't the same as the rules in the West. It is only recently that schools have been given strict rules regarding abuse. A teacher can now lose his/her job and can even do time for hurting a student. If they can't hurt you physically or verbally, they'd hurt you back by butchering your marks in exams.

[Note : Not all teachers were bad. We'd have some really great teachers who never hurt us. They were like those rare zephyrs in a smouldering desert. We were free to be kids around them.]

Why wasn't school like in the movies? A place where you could go and learn something? What I learned in school never equipped me with the tools to survive in this world. All it taught me was to be in a rat race. School was an institution were I was forced upon a useless "syllabus" that never satiated my curiosity. Instead of having our strengths developed, we students were forced to become generic individuals. I've seen some of my friends go back defeated to their home countries because their dyslexia was seen as an aggressive form of laziness.

Going back home was like heaven compared to the hell that was school, even if coming back home meant I had to deal with a violent dad. At home, I was free to watch movies, read books, listen to music and most importantly - play video games.


Life is so much easier when all you want to be is a Pokemon Master

Movies, books and music were great but they couldn't offer me direct control. All I could do was sit and watch. Dammit, I needed to do something! Videogames gave me the freedom that I was denied in movies, books and music. My father could be at his absolute worst, but it wouldn't bother me a bit because I'm not home then. I'm in Midgar, busy being a radical. I'm in Spira and about to play some blitzball. Teachers could threaten me with expulsions and suspensions, but I didn't care because I was not in this world. I was in a world beyond where these people had nothing to threaten me with! Videogames were my escape from madness. I could be whatever I wanted in these worlds; I could live in the shoes of people who were trying to make a difference, regardless of the sacrifices that they have to make.

["If you don't get good marks in your boards, you will never get into college!" - One of my friends failed in his Grade 12 exam. He later wrote his compartment exam and passed it. He's now in college and he's doing mighty well.]



Fortunately for me, by Grade 5, my pituitary glands went into overdrive mode and I became a 5"9 giant. My classmates barely made it to 5". There wasn't even a student in Grade 10 that was taller than me. My bully problems came to an end. You know that saying right? "The bigger they are, the harder they HIT!" There was one bully who later even became my friend through Pokemon Red! He has helped me numerous times even after all that.

I've never had bully problems since then. Problems at school and my dad still remained. And though I had to put up with both of them almost daily, I had the strength to endure it because that's what I learned from my video game heroes. With a little soul searching, determination and perseverance, you could manage any problem. Hell, you could even save the world.

It's amazing how videogames can connect with so many people. I remember my friends and I were standing outside the class during recess. We had all been beaten with a duster for talking in class the previous period. Though we were still wincing with pain, we managed to laugh on how Kid Buu attacks with his butt in DragonBall Z : Hyper Dimension. When my friends would come over to my house, we'd play tag team matches in SmackDown VS Raw on the PS2. We were all so engrossed in what was happening on screen we didn't have time to worry about the pressures of life. Heck, we didn't even want to worry.



When Ryu got cut down by Doku, it wasn't Ryu that got cut down. It was me. When Crono and the gang learned about Lavos, their problem wasn't just theirs - it was mine. When Team Embryon had to emerge the victorious tribe so as to ascend to Nirvana, their dilemma was mine! I could project my pain on screen and make them metaphors for what was going on in the game. I could release my anger, my sorrow without fear. I wish I could sit all stupid teachers down and show them that there are other ways to vent other than beating up students.

There were times where I would lie down staring at the ceiling desperately wishing for a way out of what I was going through. I'd close my eyes and think of the many gaming worlds I've been in. I could see planets, cultures, places and people that I've never seen. Videogames have helped me more times than I can think.


Tidus' love and hate for his dad mirrors mine

When I was younger, I thought I couldn't live without video games. I'm not like that now. I've realized that running away is not an effective means to put an end to your problems. I've learned how to stand on my own two feet and learned how to face problems head on. Videogames have been my crutch during my formative years but not now. I'm deeply grateful for what videogames have done for me but it's time for the training wheels to come off.

I'm now 19 years old. I still play videogames, though this time it's for entertainment rather than escape. It was only through them I learned how to deal with problems in life as they come. Life is better with college being more enjoyable and peaceful than all my years at school. Sure, my dad is still the same (going to take him to rehab) and I still feel the pain when I look back at my childhood.

But it's all okay now. And that's all that really matters.


If you're reading this, I'm Still Alive and well

~ fend